I'm coming God!

As I get older the pull towards what is real
and what is unknown is stronger.
I need to know the differences between what my
heart is yearning for and what my head thinks it already knows.

I pulled myself together on the floor of my closet tonight.
I need something. The universal 108 isn't my number.
Tugging at me is the number 36. Thirty Six. Over and Over.

Needing to place myself right, I wonder how to get there.
There is a mantra I am to repeat, correct? What is this 'mantra'.
I click and scroll through the confusing words.
No, this isn't me. I am not a chanter.

I'm a ... What am I? has that been decided for me already?
Because I was placed in a room full of people with a title on it,
Is that what I am to believe forever to be the truth?

I need to remember that it wasn't the room I sat in that
brought me the soothing comfort and safety. It was God.
His had was on my family and we were reminded of this
Every day by the absence of booze in our home.

Perhaps just a conversation with him.
Maybe that is where I will start.
Hold on, God. I'm coming.